[Article submitted to a local news portal.]
Should marital rape be criminalised? I thought the issue would blow away but it seems that there are parties insisting on keeping it on the radar. I am a pastor, a husband and the father of four grown-up sons, three of whom are married. I am taking time off my busy schedule to put forward our conviction on this issue. I say “our conviction” because I know I am speaking on behalf of many Christians, and probably for the “silent majority” in the nation (of men, and possibly many women as well).
To Bible-believing Christians, marriage is a covenant relationship. It is not a contract in which payment is made for service rendered, or for property rented. It is a relationship between two equal and complimentary partners, entered into by vow before God and human witnesses — in which both agree “to love, to honour, to cherish, from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, and to cleave to you only… as long as we both shall live.” We know it is a covenant relationship because it is modelled after Jesus Christ’s relationship with the church (Ephesians 5:23-24 cf. Luke 22:19-20; Hebrews 8:6-13). Integral to marriage is the sexual relationship, for when Adam and Eve were created, “they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed” (Genesis 2:25). We are told that “marriage is honourable among all, and the bed undefiled; but fornicators and adultery God will judge” (Hebrews 13:4). The sexual relationship between husband and wife has been described as “making love” for good reasons. Among other things, it is an expression of their love for each other. When taken out of marriage, sexual relationship is the fulfilment of lust.
Married couples have to struggle with adjusting to one another in their life together. Some handle it better than others. When couples are not given proper pre-marital counselling, their struggles get carried into the marriage bed. The husband, generally speaking, is stronger and must not use brute force against the wife to hurt her. The wife, generally speaking, would resort to the use of sex as a weapon. The experts (ask Dr. G!) tell us that an average couple would have sex twice a week. Give and take one time, we would have three times per week for the more sexually active and once per week for the milder couple. Just as there is such a thing as hunger for food, there also is hunger for sex. The average couple who deprive each other of sex for a month is equivalent to depriving each other of food for nearly three consecutive days! Although women are capable of having strong sexual urge, the men have it worse because the semen builds up in the scrotum making it quite unbearable. Furthermore, nothing hurts men more than to be rejected by their wives in the marriage bed. Just as many married men fail to be sensitive to the feelings of their wives, many wives fail to understand the unique pressure faced by men in this area. Depriving the husband of sex is cruel, and one might say, wicked.
The Bible counsels couples thus, “Be angry, and do not sin: do not let the sun go down on your wrath.” If possible, settle all grievance before sunset. That is taking it literally. The principle taught here is that we are to settle grievances as soon as possible. Often, it takes time to settle a grievance. But that grievance must not be expressed on the marriage bed, by withholding sex from each other. Rather, the grievance should be set aside for the moment, and the act of “making love” might just be the healing balm needed to settle the grievance later.
The sexual relationship between husband and wife is a delicate matter that is not easily aired in public. Many are the frustrated husband (and sometimes the wife) who are driven almost to insanity because of this. We read of wives who have sliced off the private parts of their husbands because of suspecting their infidelity. One cannot help suspecting that in one or two such cases, it was the husband who sliced off his own private part out of uncontrollable frustration, and it was reported as the wife doing it. Yes, the frustration can be unbearable! Short of calling for a divorce — which is not easy because of consideration for the children, etc. — the husband might just end up bashing the wife. When that happens, the husband may be charged for wife battery.
Charging the husband for wife battery is different from punishing him for so-called marital rape. There is such a thing as “date rape”, but “marital rape” is a contradiction in terms. Let us not succumb to pressure from Postmodernism, in which is the propensity to be politically correct, to be ultra gender-sensitive, to be relativistic, to be subjective, etc. Marriage is a fundamental right that is protected by law. The registration of a marriage is only for the purpose of regulating this sacred institution. Please allow the Christians to keep marriage the way they believe it should be. And please have a thought for the “silent majority” who do not agree with criminalising “marital rape”.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~